matchctl: The First Dating App for Linux Users (Because You've Already Mounted /dev/sad)

⚠️ Disclaimer
This post is a satire. It is entirely a work of humor and parody.
Any resemblance to real software, platforms, people (alive, dead, or emotionally sandboxed), projects, distributions, or systemd maintainers is purely coincidental.

If you found this post while trying to actually install a dating app via the terminal, please step away from the keyboard and talk to a human. Preferably outside. In sunlight.

Finally, a way to get rejected by people who also haven't showered since that last kernel rebuild.

If you're like most Linux users, you’ve tried everything to find love:

Recompiling your heart with different optimization flags.

Trying to pipe romance into xargs.

Creating an Ansible playbook titled deploy_girlfriend.yml.

But nothing works, because let's face it:

You're not emotionally available. You're just really, really into Gentoo.

So we built matchctl, the terminal-based dating app that lets you connect with other emotionally unavailable sysadmins, tinkerers, graybeards, and Fedora users who think “commitment” is a Git action.

Getting Started: No GUI, No Dignity

Install like the hardened sysadmin you are:

curl -L matchctl.sh | sudo bash

Then:

sudo systemctl start love.target

If that fails, check for lingering instances of:

ex_girlfriend.target
emotional_wounds.service
x11-crash-loop.service

Then reboot.

Not the system — your soul.

Profile Configuration: /etc/matchctl.conf

Set up your preferences in plain-text because JSON is for cowards.

Sample:

[shell]
preferred = zsh
compatibility = fish users okay if cute

[bootloader]
grub = no
systemd-boot = yes
flexibility = only in relationships

[dealbreakers]
snap = true
dualbooting_windows = true
uses_wordpress = hard no

Use matchctl test-config to see if you’re ready.
If not, you’ll get:

Error: You are not ready for love.
Hint: sudo touch grass

Version 1.6.9 "Hard Mount" Release Notes

• Added support for compiling your own emotions
• --dry-run now supported for commitment-phobes
• Swiping replaced with Vim-style movement: hjkl
• :wq now means “send message and cry”
• ESC to ghost someone immediately

Communication Features

• Messages encrypted with GPG. Keys are auto-revoked if you reply with “k.”
• Consent-aware SSH sessions. Only proceed if both partners type yes, I know what I'm doing.
• Support for asynchronous romance using tmux over long-distance screen sessions.

All chats go through:

nc -l -p 1337

Because we believe in open ports, open hearts.

Premium Mode Includes:

• Access to /dev/date: The hot singles device node.
• --no-strings-attached mode: Experimental. Often results in segmentation faults.
• Read receipts implemented via D-Bus (delayed, broken, and mysterious).
• Partner validation: Runs lint on their dotfiles before any emotional investment.
• Explicit Mode: Unlocks the /booty partition and adds support for unsafe syscalls.

Compatibility Algorithm: Science, But Stupid

We don’t use astrology. We use:

• Desktop environment entropy
• Dotfile line count
• Whether you use tabs or spaces in crontab
• Number of pacman -Syu executions per week
• If your CPU has hardware acceleration for disappointment

We once matched two Debian Stable users. It took them four years to say hi, but when they did, it was LTS.

Top-Searched Tags on matchctl

• #x11daddy
• #mount_me_hard
• #systemdown
• #polybarbutmonogamous
• #vim_in_the_streets_emacs_in_the_sheets
• #realtek_survivor
• #dwm4d
• #bind9inpublic

Common Error Messages

error: love.target failed to start
reason: unresolved dependencies (emotional_stability, ability_to_communicate)

warning: matched user is running systemd
proceed anyway? [Y/n]

fatal: relationship conflict in HEAD
attempting automatic merge... failed.

panic: attempted to access /dev/affection but permissions denied

matchctl[1542]: user declared “I’m fine” but logs indicate ongoing meltdown

User Testimonials (Real, Probably)

“We connected over our mutual hatred of Snap packages. Now we’re engaged and still hate Snap.”
— libreboot_my_heart

“He piped my ASCII art straight into his heart. We rsynced everything after that.”
— eject_me_gently

“We ghosted each other over D-Bus. It was poetic.”
— nohup_luv &

“My date ran Arch. I ran to the hills.”
— gentoo4life

matchctl vs Other Dating Apps

Sandboxing: Safe, Secure, Emotionally Unavailable

Every matchctl session runs in a secure container:

• AppArmor enforced
• Flatpak isolated
• Emotions jailed in their own cgroup

No side effects. No shared /feels. Just raw, stateless intimacy.

matchctl --sandboxed --no-touching

Containerization: Because You Can’t Handle the Bare Metal

Love is complicated. That’s why matchctl relationships run in containers:

• Docker-managed boundaries
• Immutable snapshots of failed attempts
• Easily discarded when it doesn’t work out

Sample container:

FROM voidlinux:latest

RUN xbps-install -Sy trust humor patience

CMD ["/bin/sed", "-e", "s/lonely/loved/g"]

Bind-mounting /empathy is opt-in. Use with caution.

Flatpak, Snap, and the Death of Intimacy

Snap-based relationships are slow to start and hard to remove.
You think it’s real, but it’s just another loop-mounted mistake.

Flatpak isolates everything.
You want to touch their soul, but D-Bus says no.

Relationship Isolation Modes

DevOps Romance

Love is CI/CD.

Define your partner in YAML.
Test compatibility.
Deploy on Sunday. Roll back on Monday.

pipeline:
  - stage: "init"
    script: "matchctl --start"
  - stage: "date"
    script: "./scripts/talk_about_feelings.sh"
  - stage: "crisis"
    script: "rm -rf /trust"
  - stage: "recovery"
    script: "./scripts/cope.sh"

The Heart Is a Filesystem

• You’ve mounted your fears.
• You chmod 400 your hopes.
• You’ve fsck’d your life.

And still, no one reads your logs.

Cloud-Native Love

Deploy dates in Kubernetes:

• Configure ingress to your heart
• Bind PVCs for emotional storage
• Scale affection horizontally

But remember:
terraform destroy --auto-approve
is harder to reverse than it looks.

You’re Not Just Lonely. You’re Fully Virtualized

• You don’t live on the host anymore.
• You’re a QEMU VM pretending to be real.
• You scream into virtio-sound, hoping someone hears.
• You PXE boot romance just to feel in control again.
• You are emotionally UEFI secure-boot locked.

69 Bonus CLI Flags

matchctl --quiet-desperation
matchctl --tmpfs=/feelings
matchctl --pretend-you’re-okay
matchctl --force-mount /dev/empathy
matchctl --prefer-vim-in-the-bedroom
matchctl --sandboxed --consent-mode=strict
matchctl --dry-run --then-cry
matchctl --init=/usr/bin/lonelinessd
matchctl --fork-me-senpai
matchctl --chmod +x your_smile
matchctl --mount --bind /trust /us

man matchctl(1)

NAME
  matchctl - Emotionally modular, TTY-compatible matchmaking system

SYNOPSIS
  matchctl [OPTIONS]

OPTIONS
  --init               Initialize feelings
  --start              Begin dating (requires running dependencies)
  --rollback           Undo most recent heartbreak
  --sandboxed          Run love in a container (no shared state)
  --poly               Enable multi-user access (requires --honesty)
  --timeout=60s        If no reply in 60 seconds, cry softly
  --reboot             Start over
  --no-snap            Filter Snap users
  --rm                 Delete all evidence
  --dry-run            Emotionally simulate compatibility
  --force              It’s not consent
  --with-dependencies  Will bring baggage

FILES
  ~/.matchctl.conf       User preferences
  /var/log/love.log      Pain
  /etc/avoid.list        Blocked exes

Final Thoughts

Let’s be clear:

• You will not find love with matchctl.
• You will not leave your terminal.
• You will not stop talking about your window manager.

But for one brief, shimmering moment, you’ll be able to type:

matchctl --connect

…and pretend, just for a second, that /dev/hope is writable again.

Install Today

git clone https://github.com/matchctl/matchctl.git && cd matchctl && make love

Because Tinder doesn’t even support --no-gui.